A family without a black sheep is not a typical family.

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.

My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

You cannot choose your family but you can choose to ignore their phone calls.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Being part of a family means smiling for photos.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to babysit.

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.