There are two million interesting people in New York and only seventy-eight in Los Angeles.

Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.

Familiarity breeds contempt, but without a little familiarity it's impossible to breed anything.

You will know you're old when you cease to be amazed.

It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

A perfect martini should be made by filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.

Sudden money is going from zero to two hundred dollars a week. The rest doesn't count.

I never write a play with an eye to film.

Baptists are only funny underwater.

I much prefer writing an original movie with the screen in mind to transferring a play to the screen.

The first book was my first attempt at writing full-length prose.

I don't use computers... I'm someone who needs to see the page right away in my hand.

New York is not Mecca. It just smells like it.

It looks different when you're sober; I thought I had twice as much furniture.

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

There's no such thing as a sure thing. That's why they call it gambling.

I understand. You work very hard two days a week and you need a five-day weekend. That's normal.

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

I don’t like writing for comedians. I like writing for actors. The best comedians are the best actors.