The first prize was a week in Philadelphia. The second prize was two weeks.

One great error is that we suppose mankind more honest than they are.

Give all the power to the many, they will oppress the few. Give all the power to the few, they will oppress the many.

People sometimes attribute my success to my genius; all the genius I know anything about is hard work.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with bated breath.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A man without a woman is like a neck without pain.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some people are born losers, others acquire the knack gradually.

I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.