There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with bated breath.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

The first prize was a week in Philadelphia. The second prize was two weeks.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A man without a woman is like a neck without pain.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some people are born losers, others acquire the knack gradually.

I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand, I don't drink any less either.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.