Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A man without a woman is like a neck without pain.

A man without a woman is like a neck without pain.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some people are born losers, others acquire the knack gradually.

Some people are born losers, others acquire the knack gradually.

I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand, I don't drink any less either.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand, I don't drink any less either.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Comedy is merely a tragedy happening to someone else.

Comedy is merely a tragedy happening to someone else.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and always carry a small snake.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and always carry a small snake.