Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand, I don't drink any less either.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Comedy is merely a tragedy happening to someone else.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and always carry a small snake.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with the bull.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.