If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with the bull.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand, I don't drink any less either.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Comedy is merely a tragedy happening to someone else.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and always carry a small snake.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.