Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Comedy is merely a tragedy happening to someone else.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and always carry a small snake.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with the bull.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down.

Freedom without virtue isn't freedom - it will eventually destroy society.

I believe that most of the limitations people have or face are self-imposed.