Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

They used to say that knowledge is power. I used to think so, but I know now they mean money.

Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never subsides into friendship.

The devil was the first democrat.

The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.

I only go out to get myself a fresh appetite for being alone.

The best prophet of the future is the past.

I slept and dreamt that life was beauty; I woke and found that life was duty.

Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves.

I like to serve chocolate cake because it doesn't show the dirt.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.