My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves.

I like to serve chocolate cake because it doesn't show the dirt.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.