My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller quotes

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Author: Phyllis Diller

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I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

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