I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. - Mitch Hedberg quotes

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Author: Mitch Hedberg

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Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

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