I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.