I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me. - Mitch Hedberg quotes

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

Author: Mitch Hedberg

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If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

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