A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".