My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Is a hippopotamus or just a really cool Optimus?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.