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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like,

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

Author: Mitch Hedberg

See all Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Good Night Messages for Wife

Good Night Messages for Wife

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I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Is a hippopotamus or just a really cool Optimus?

Is a hippopotamus or just a really cool Optimus?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

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