The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.