Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.