I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.