All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Paranoia is knowing all the facts.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.

Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.