Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want

I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.

Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?

Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.