Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.

Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.