His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.

Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

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You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.