When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.