Steven Wright Quotes

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.