I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.