Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

It was helpful to be able to call a lawyer...it turns out, that not only did they help me, but they really helped the whole community.

If the only tool you have is a hammer, it's hard to eat spaghetti.

Most of the stress people experience comes from inappropriately managed commitments they make or accept.

You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool your own mind.