Learn from other people's mistakes. Life is too short to make them all yourself.

You can't start at the top.

Happiness is a by-product. You cannot pursue it by itself.

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.

You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

The longest word in the world is "a word from our sponsor."

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

The chaplain of the Senate does not pray for the Senate. He watches the Senate and prays for the country.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

If you want to kill time why not try working it to death.

The whole world is watching America, and America is watching TV.

Give your child a spanking once a day. If you don't know why, he does.

Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village

We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.

People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.