Give your child a spanking once a day. If you don't know why, he does.

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.

Learn from other people's mistakes. Life is too short to make them all yourself.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

The chaplain of the Senate does not pray for the Senate. He watches the Senate and prays for the country.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

If you want to kill time why not try working it to death.

The whole world is watching America, and America is watching TV.

Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village

We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.

People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.

Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.

One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!