You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.