Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.