The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead