A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

One man's ceiling is another man's floor.

When I look back at all the crap I learned in high school, it's a wonder I can think at all.

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

All lies and jests, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.

It's actually very difficult to make something both simple and good.

You know, life is what you make of it- so beautiful or so what.

These are the days of miracle and wonder.

I've got nothing to do today but smile.

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.

What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.