If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.

What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

Life is a four-letter word.

There are never enough I Love You's.

Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.