W. C. Fields
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
Some people are born losers, others acquire the knack gradually.
I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand, I don't drink any less either.
I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Comedy is merely a tragedy happening to someone else.
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and always carry a small snake.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with the bull.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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