Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

There's no such thing as being too Southern.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

You are not alone in the world. You are part of an ensemble.

I would love to be a Franciscan brother. Im just not sure I have the courage to do it.