I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Treat people like you want to be treated; live and let live; and also give the other person a break now and then.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?