Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps