Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.