A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.