Gags die, humor doesn't.

Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.