If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

If you want to kill time why not try working it to death.

The whole world is watching America, and America is watching TV.

Give your child a spanking once a day. If you don't know why, he does.

Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village

We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.

People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.

Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.

One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!

You don't have to be in "Who's Who" to know what's what.

We may not always see eye to eye, but we can try to see heart to heart.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.

Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.

It still hasn't kicked in yet. I haven't had a second to think about it. And I don't physically have the Grammy! So I can't even look at it!