You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

Jeff Foxworthy

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.