If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.