I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.