It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

Author: Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan Quotes - Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like,

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

Author: Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quotes - Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

Author: Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quotes - Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

Author: Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quotes - I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

Author: Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quotes - Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!

Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!

Author: Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quotes - One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

Author: Jim Gaffigan

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