I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.

I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire them.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

You cannot choose your family but you can choose to ignore their phone calls.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

A family without a black sheep is not a typical family.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Being part of a family means smiling for photos.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.