Emo Philips Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'