Jim Gaffigan Quotes

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate being alone.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.