God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.

Spring time is the land awakening.

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.

If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.