My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.

My head is buried in the sands of tomorrow, while my tail feathers are singed by the hot sun of today.

The good die young, because they see it's no use living if you have got to be good.

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.

I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.

Method acting? There are quite a few methods. Mine involves a lot of talent, a glass, and some cracked ice.

I've read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.

You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried; you float.

My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

Dying is the last thing I will ever do.

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.

In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief.

You can only be as good as you dare to be bad.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.